10. The Motivator
When they’re not posting personal best times for the jog to work, they’re sharing inspirational quotes and uplifting memes. Every utterance they make drips with a positive “I can do anything I set my mind to if I just try my best” attitude which can be quite uplifting when you wake up on the couch and have to spend half an hour picking last night’s pizza cheese out of your hair.
9. The Campaigner
That friend from college or distant cousin who considers themselves to be the moral compass of Facebook has an opinion on everything. It is nearly always the exact opposite of yours, but years of watching them ranting, pontificating and failing to engage in debate has taught you to just blank them out entirely. You’d get more sense talking to a balloon you filled with custard and drew a face on than by trying to change The Campaigner’s opinion, but they sometimes like your holiday photos so you keep them around anyway.
8. The Model
Despite having 1,234 friends on Facebook, the only person they really want to see a photograph of is themselves. In the gym, at the beach, in a supermarket, it really doesn’t matter to them where they are, just so long as they have time to take a photograph of themselves and let us all know that they’re there. If you ever actually do see them in person – as opposed to a dozen photographic updates per day – you will quickly learn for every photo shared there are at least 15 discarded because they didn’t capture their “best side”.
7. The Oversharer
Every single aspect of their life is documented through a series of check-ins, photos, comments and updates. Facebook Live means that you can actually watch them buying tea bags, doing the laundry or walking to work and the sad thing is, you do. While watching them live-blogging their life you’re missing out on your own.
6. The Show-off
Either this friend is stretching the truth or you need to manage your finances better. How else can you explain the fact that you’re always at home, but every time you see them they’re on a private yacht, in a VIP club or leaning against a sports car outside a luxury hotel?
5. The Hermit
Nothing posted since New Year’s Eve 2013, but you know the account is still active because of the relatively regular re-posts and likes. Come out and say “hi” sometimes friend, we miss you. Also – what happened on New Year’s Eve 2013 that sent you into blanket silence?
4. The Stalker
Why did a work client just like one of your holiday snaps from June 2015? If you don’t manage your privacy settings and the details you share online, there will be people out there who know far more about you than you may be comfortable with. When you hear a relative stranger say “I like those shoes, are they the same ones you wore to your cousin’s wedding last year?” it is a sign that you might need to lock up your accounts.
3. The Parent
You have a child? How come you never mentioned that? Oh, that’s right, you did. ABOUT A MILLION TIMES ALREADY! It was bad enough when we all had to live through months of potty-training by your virtual side but now you’ve changed your profile picture to that of your gurning, lopsided-looking baby. As an honest and impartial friend, we’ve got to tell you that the kid might not be as cute as you think. The same applies to childless cat owners.
2. The Spoiler
Sport results, film endings and television plot twists are no longer sacred. If you don’t want to know how things turned out until you get a chance to watch it for yourself, then stay away from social media. There will always be somebody out on your timelines who beat you to it and are just waiting to give the game away.
1. The Boss
Sharing a video of a baby eating a lemon for the first time is hilarious. No complaints there. Just remember that you made friends with your boss on Facebook before you caption it “my face every time somebody asks me to do something at work”.
Will Milner is a contributing editor. We believe he talks to balloons with drawn-on faces.