10 foodie fantasies

Meat shampoo, cheese fountains, more meals and the return of the pantry Discuss this article

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10 Meat shampoo
The smell of food wafting from a kitchen is one of the great pleasures in life. Most shampoos are scented and leave your hair smelling fragrant all day long. These are incontestable facts. So surely we can’t be the only ones dreaming of savoury-scented cosmetics? A nice roast beef conditioner or a fresh bread face wash would combine our love of cleanliness and favourite foodie smells. It would also mean we can stop dabbing gravy behind our ears before important meetings.

9 An extra meal in the day
Pre-breakfast, breakfast, elevenses, lunch, afternoon tea, dinner, supper – are you thinking what we’re thinking? There is space in there for an extra meal. We’re obviously not talking about the midnight snack. Nutella and banana pancakes, some cheese and crackers and a bag of gourmet popcorn doesn’t constitute a meal. No, we think there is an early evening slot for sundown food and are tentatively speaking to dieticians about its importance. For now, let’s call it chowdown.

8 A pantry
Why have pantries gone out of fashion? This is the foodie equivalent of a walk-in wardrobe and just as desirable as an en-suite bathroom, surely. Perhaps it has something to do with the effectiveness of modern refrigerators and the advancements made in the packaging industry, but we’re campaigning for a comeback. Foodies would happily trade it all in for a room with no furniture but lots of cured meats, jars of jam, cold meat pies, racks of spices and tins of biscuits.

7 Cheese fountain
Do we really need to explain this? Like a chocolate fountain, but for cheese. Perhaps they exist already, but they’re not nearly as common as we would like. As far as we’re concerned, they should be as easy to track down as hot and cold taps and dispense molten nacho cheese around the clock.

6 Food glamour shots
Recipe books, foodie bloggers and thousands of social media posts prove that there is a market for simply looking at glorious pictures of food. An honest foodie would admit that if the shots are tastefully done and there is artistic merit, they would spend entire evenings staring open-mouthed and drooling at stunning food photography.

5 Adult bibs
The problem with a protective napkin is that it doesn’t catch enough food. Sure it might stop the occasional splash of soup on your shirt-front, but it doesn’t have a little pocket or ledge to store chicken nuggets for later consumption, does it?

4 A food fight
Restaurants have standards and homes need to be kept tidy, but one day we’re going to have the food fight of our dreams. Soft tomatoes, custard pies, soft-boiled eggs and fistfuls of mashed potato that can just be picked up and flung across a dining room with wild abandon. An edible mix of paintball and the Colour Run, it would be everything we want foam parties to be but aren’t.

3 Giant cheese wheel
At any given time, most foodies have fridges stocked with half a dozen different cheeses on at once. Hard, soft, smelly, crumbly, and all shapes and flavours. Few of us have what we really want, however, and that is the entire cheese wheel. Never mind slices or packets – what we want is the whole ten-kilo raclette to roll around with us and nibble on wherever we go.

2 More pop-ups
Because there simply aren’t enough places to get food already. Trucks, stalls and temporary cafés are just the start. Dessert trolleys roaming around shopping malls, in-flight taco dispensers and a carvery section on the bus are all on our wish list. If anybody can figure out a way to dispense scuba snacks we will see you under the sea.

1 More excuses
It’s your birthday? Let’s eat cake. It’s Friday? Let’s do brunch. You got a promotion? You know where we’re celebrating. I am so sorry to hear you are feeling depressed. Let’s get ice cream. Do you think the weather is nice enough for a barbecue? I don’t see a hurricane. No matter what the occasion, season or circumstance a committed foodie will find an excuse to make a meal the solution. We just need more excuses, right?

By Will Milner
Time Out Abu Dhabi,

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