10 things better imagined than in reality
Podium dancing, jogging in flipflops, limo rides and more disappointments Discuss this article
10 Dancing on a podium
You’ve got a few moves. Don’t be shy – you know you do. When the beat drops and you’re on the dancefloor, you’ve turned heads and held your own with the club’s finest dancers. So when you spot an empty podium overlooking the entire club, you have visions of jumping up and orchestrating your own dance party. Do not do it. Placing yourself, quite literally, on a pedestal like this can only lead to ridicule and regret. You’ll be exposed as having the rhythm of an elderly aunt or uncle at a wedding and the entire room will be comparing you, not favourably, to the svelte dancer who left the podium a few seconds before. See also: karaoke.
9 Jogging in flip-flops
Don’t even try it. Whatever the circumstances for wanting to, we assure you, it simply doesn’t work, and you will look like a flightless bird being chased by hungry predators.
8 Booking a limo
Nothing says sophistication, wealth and superstar quality like sitting in a stretch limousine. That is if your idea of classy transport is a glitter ball minibus with faux tiger fur upholstery and an enforced sense of fun. Unless you’re a teenage girl or a flamboyant Las Vegas magician, there is no excuse for ever hiring a limo.
7 Buying new clothes from a tailor
This one always seems like a neat idea. The fit is bespoke, the materials are hand-picked by you and the experience is fun. But we can never quite shake the feeling that those smart new suits don’t make you look like a movie star. They make you look more like a second-hand car salesman from the ’80s. You’re better off just buying from a high street chain, instead.
6 Meeting a celebrity
It can go one of three ways. They’ll be just as cool, ethereal and otherworldly as you hoped and you’ll be awkward, tongue-tied and bumbling (in your mind, you might strike up an unlikely friendship and discuss their work and how it inspires you, and they will ask about your life). Or when you approach, you’ll bark one of their catchphrases at them and grin idiotically until they retreat into their entourage. The alternative is that the celebrity is boring, uncharismatic and lacking any sort of star quality. Overall, avoid at all costs.
5 Sunset on the beach
Peaceful, relaxing and beautiful. Until you realise that when it’s over you’re sitting on a dark beach, a picnicking family is eyeing you suspiciously and you spent so much time trying to get the perfect photo you didn’t enjoy the moment.
4 Following a recipe
It looks so great in the cookery book. Too good to eat, in fact. Why then, after you followed the instructions to the very letter, does your dish look more like a bowl of two-day-old donkey vomit? It tastes almost right and there is enough to feed you for a week (did you really need to stick to the dinner party portions suggested in the recipe when you’re cooking for one?) but there is no way you can share your efforts on social media. Because, without food artists, food won’t look better than it tastes.
3 The suburbs
They look so nice in the artist impressions and the idea of a quieter community on the fringes of a busy city can sound idyllic. So why do we always get that feeling that we’re walking through the aftermath of a zombie apocalypse when we walk through those identical, empty streets?
2 Standing on a paddleboard
No. Just, no. Unless you can stand up on a paddleboard, never stand up on a paddleboard. Some people are born to do it and have grace, poise and elegance. You have none of those things, and if you try it, you will slip, splash and come face-to-face with a jellyfish.
1 The funny thing that happened on the way into work
So outrageous was the thing that happened to you on the way into work that you can’t wait to tell the rest of the office. Well, guess what? It’s early, they have not had their morning coffee and nobody wants to hear it. Wait just a little while longer and they’ll appreciate it all the more.
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