10 events in the Abu Dhabi Olympics
Endurance selfies, hot sand sprints and hand bag tug o' war Discuss this article
10 Brunch battle
The fastest sprinters, most powerful weightlifters and nimble gymnasts battling it out at the Rio Games is all well and good, but to triumph in the Capital Olympics a whole different set of skills is required. The real heavyweights will be decided in an all-you-can-eat challenge. The rules are simple – contestants sit at the same trestle table and must eat continually until all others have stopped. Rotating between courses is permitted, but adjusting belts and prolonged toilet breaks are not.
9 Flat-hunt marathon
This is another endurance event that will sap the strength of first-timers. To qualify, contestants must have become exasperated with false starts and estate agents online. In this event, athletes must go door-to-door in Mussafah asking security guards if there are any one-bedroom apartments available in their building. Trekking up flights of stairs in buildings so new the lifts don’t work and bearing the blistering heat while running between tower blocks will sap the strength of all but the most determined. Our record stands at 24 buildings in one afternoon.
8 Sprint on hot sand
No-shoes sand running is perhaps the most dangerous event in the Capital Olympics. The technique, a curious half hop, half skip favoured by most, forgoes speed in favour of self-preservation, as you must get from beach towels to water’s edge before feet burst into a ball of flames.
7 Sun lounger hurdles
Working on the assumption that most apartment blocks have just a couple of decent sun loungers by their pools, this race is a mad dash to get the best ones after they are vacated. Athletes must start at the opposite side of the swimming pool on cracked loungers or just a towel. The starter’s pistol fires when the pristine lounger becomes available in the late afternoon and the sprint is on to reach it before anybody else at the crowded rooftop spot.
6 Sustained selfie pout
As with gymnastic and diving, scores in this discipline are based on human judgement and are given for technique and artistry. A pout must be struck and held for as long as possible while holding a phone aloft to take a selfie. Points are awarded for tilt of head, arch of back and protuberance of lips.
5 Massage endurance
How much pain can you actually take? That is what much Olympic endeavour boils down to. The combined tortures of hot oil, powerful massage pummelling and pan pipe music will be inflicted upon you in increasingly strong doses until you can take it no more.
4 Long-distance walking
We all know that one person who, no matter how far they park from the office, never seems to sweat. While we can’t move the 20 steps from kerb to air-conditioned building without ending up drenched, they can happily saunter past entire blocks without a bead of perspiration on their foreheads. Time to see how far they can saunter before they break a sweat.
3 Queue barging
This event requires you to cut into a queue with pure arrogance and audacity, as well as technical finesse. It really doesn’t matter if you’re queueing in a supermarket, lining up in traffic or waiting to see a doctor. You have to be ready to elbow someone out of the way.
2 Handbag tug of war
There is anecdotal evidence which suggests a human is capable of near superhuman strength when in greatest of need. A mother lifting a crashed car away from her baby; a father fighting off a bear to save his family. Having seen demure and stylish women lunge and pull at the last handbag in a boutique sale, we think we have witnessed a similar focus of power. This event is simple. One long-strapped Mulberry bag is tossed between two ladies and the champion is the one who comes away with it.
1 Speed texting
On the first whistle you must start typing out the complete works of Shakespeare using your WhatsApp keyboard and on the second, you must stop. Whoever gets furthest wins. Speed texting is the ultimate sport for modern athletes and requires agility, dexterity and complete control.
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